A Quantum Theory of Identity

Skyler: If I have to hear one more time that you did this for the family…

Walter: I did it for me. I liked it. I was good at it. And, I was really… I was alive.

Breaking Bad — Felina (Season 5, Episode 16)

When I was eight, I was suspended from school for fighting. The fight was the explosive result of weeks of tension. A group of boys had been picking on my friend Fatima, a Sudanese refugee who had joined our third grade class that year. They made fun of her accent. They made fun of her clothes. They made fun of her smell.

She didn’t ask me to be her hero. But I stepped in anyway. I told the boys if they mess with Fatima, they were messing with me. Of course, the cruelty of eight-year olds does not discriminate between willing (myself) and unwilling (Fatima) victims, so they proceeded to mess with me directly.

The tension detonated when the lead agitator tried a sneak attack in the boys bathroom. He wanted to teach me a physical lesson where his words seemed to have failed. As I recall the struggle, he tried to force my head into the toilet bowl. Unfortunately, for him, I succeeded where he couldn’t. Unfortunately, for me, a school administrator walked in during my moment of victory.

Reflecting on this story years later, I question why. Why, in this fight or flight moment, did I choose to fight? Why did I choose to insert myself in a situation that did not involve me? Why did those particular insults still ring through 20 years later? The Noble© answer I had always believed was that I did it for Fatima. I did it for the powerless. I did it for the meek.

The Noble© answer I have always believed is a lie. The Noble© answer cannot explain why I refused to de-escalate the fight once I had gotten the upper hand. The Noble© answer cannot explain why I didn’t report the boys to the appropriate authority figures. The Noble© answer cannot explain WHAT I actually did for Fatima. The Real ™ answer is: I didn’t do it for Fatima, I did it for me.

Walter: Doctor, my wife is seven months pregnant with a baby we didn’t intend. My fifteen-year old son has cerebral palsy. I am an extremely overqualified high school chemistry teacher. When I can work, I make $43,700 per year. I have watched all of my colleagues and friends surpass me in every way imaginable, and within eighteen months, I will be dead. And you ask why I ran?

Breaking Bad — Bit By a Dead Bee (Season 2, Episode 3)

Breaking Bad© is an American television series about an underpaid, underappreciated high school chemistry teacher who turns to a life of crime to secure his family's financial future before he dies.

Breaking Bad ™ is an American television series about an underperforming, overly ambitious egomaniac who turns to a life of empire building to secure his personal legacy and legend before he dies.

The central tension of Breaking Bad is the relationship between Walter (Walt) White© and his alter ego Heisenberg ™. The central tension is whether Breaking Bad is a show about the transformation of a man’s identity or the revelation of the truth of a man’s identity. If you believe in the transformation hypothesis, then you would argue that Walt started as a good man but his *life circumstances* transformed him into Heisenberg. If you believe in the revelation hypothesis, then you would argue that Walt has always been Heisenberg and *he used* his life circumstances to reveal who *really* he is.

The transformation and revelation hypotheses rest on the assumption that one has a singular, defined identity at any given moment in time. This is a false premise.

Walt contains multitudes. Walt and Heisenberg are superimposed on one another, and it is only the viewer’s interpretation of the context of Walt’s and Heisenberg’s decisions that allows for the false resolution of *who Walt really is*.

Walter: Father, Husband, Cancer Survivor, Scientist, Rational, Powerless

Heisenberg: Kingpin, Sociopath, Murderer, Alchemist, Impulsive, Powerful

Skyler White: Walt, please, let’s both of us stop trying to justify this whole thing and admit you’re in danger!

Walter White: […] You clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, so let me clue you in. I am not in danger, Skyler. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot and you think that of me? No. I am the one who knocks!

Breaking Bad — Cornered (Season 4, Episode 6)

A central tension in our lives is the relationship between who we were and who we are. A central tension in our lives is the relationship between who we are and who we ought to be. A central tension in our lives is the relationship between who we ought to be and who we desire to be.

The central tension of our lives is the relationship between I and me. The central tension of our lives is whether we are in the driver’s or in the passenger’s seat. Drivers navigate life. Life happens to passengers.

The very human thing to do is to identify a dichotomy and then to segregate according to the dichotomy. Drivers to the left. Passengers to the right. Type A’s to the boardroom. Type B’s to the back office. Extroverts at the party. Introverts in the chat room. Democrats to the soup kitchen. Republicans to the golf course.

The central premise of a dichotomy is that a clean break is possible. When it comes to the plurality of the human experience, even within one person, the dichotomy is a false premise.

So, what’s the point.

This essay is partially about intersectionality ™ and the capital “T” Truth that there are fundamental parts of ourselves that are frightening — our Heisenbergs. Heisenberg is a child of our insecurities and our misplaced ambition. He does things we never thought we were capable of. Everyone has a Heisenberg. MLK. JFK. Ghandi. Mother Teresa. Judas. Everyone. There’s solace in this for we are not alone in battling our demons.

This essay is partially about identity politics ™ and the capital “T” Truth that humans contain multiple, defined identities at any given moment in time. The sworn enemy of a Democrat is a Republican. Yet we both worship at the same church, work at the same tech company, and usher our children to the same after school activities. It’s a bit cliche to say but we are more alike than the Donkey and the Elephant.

This essay is about self-actualization ™ and the capital “T” Truth humans are not fixed quantities in time. You have agency to change your life and to chase your ambitions. Self-actualization is not about becoming the best version of yourself. Self-actualization is about becoming the best versions of yourself as you desire.

We contain multitudes.

Originally published at https://www.hectorbis.com on October 4, 2020.